Let’s face it. No-one know better all the unkind things you’ve done to yourself and others in the past which “should” and “does” disqualify you from deserving love? The things many of us have done in the past that disqualifies us from deserving love might include:
- Telling white lies (embellishing) to make yourself look good (projecting your image of yourself)
- Boasting about accomplishing things that you didn’t really accomplish (again projecting an image).
- Not doing tasks, activities or initiating challenging conversations we know we need to have.
- Judging others harshly (blaming, shaming, holding others in contempt or disgust).
- Knowing that taking an action that you know will be bad for you, or someone else, but doing it anyway.
- Reversing a decision because you think you “should” even when you know you don’t want to.
- “Losing our cool” and getting upset or triggered at a person or situation and over-reacting.
- Denying any truths we recognize but don’t want to acknowledge (because they can be painful or hurtful).
It’s easy to see why consider ourselves unlovable when we’ve clearly committed these “sins.” We know we’ve committed them and acted in unloving ways towards others (even if others don’t know), and that totally makes us unworthy of love.
I recently read a book called “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On it by Kamal Ravikant” I LOVE that title (was a little disappointed it was taken honestly – good on ya Kamal). I love it because I agree, your life does indeed depend on it. At least a life full of good times, health, wonderful relationships and rewarding experiences depends on it.
Who doesn’t want a life filled with those amazing blessings – we all do of course. So we set forth enthusiastically to generate a wonderful, magical, perfect life for ourselves.
As we swiftly find out, the world can be a competitive place (in some cultures more than others), and so many of us learn to be competitive. Most of us competed for the attention, love and affection of our parents. If we were treated poorly by our parents we very likely started out young with a poor self-image. We learned to compete in school, we were told through the eyes, words, and actions of others if we were “attractive” or “popular” or “smart” or “sexy” – or not. We want(ed) to be a part of the “cool kids” group but somehow, oddly enough, many of us weren’t invited.
Upon graduating from school (whatever level) we then began competing for a good job, for a life partner, for status and money. We compete(d) for the affections of those we are romantically attracted to. The list goes on. And when we don’t measure up to the skills or the looks, or the financial success or the radiance of others, we either make them bad or wrong (blame them) for the way they make us feel (denying to ourselves that we’re responsible for how we feel), or we idolize them and wonder why we can’t have what they have – which often results in self-judgement, self-deprecation and shame.
It’s difficult to love ourselves when our self-esteem and notions of our own self-worth aren’t great or even good, and certainly not fair most of the time. We “know” we’re not lovable because of those unkind things we do and say to ourselves and others that we’ve already discussed.
Are we really Unloveable? What do you think? If I told you that you were unloveable, what would be your response? Stay tuned next week when we’ll explore this question further!